Mini katana for my sister
Oh god how?! I love this idea! My sister would adore something like this! What materials did you use? *Drool*
I know I’ve never posted before, and I’m sure no one will ever see this, but I want share my feels with the world, even if it will never be recognized or seen, and nothing will ever be done about it.
Some background, I think, should be in order (Before I spill my heart to you):
I Identify as Asexual. (Leaning toward romantic asexual, or aromantic) So, I have no lust towards men or women, so sex-drive, no need/want to have intercourse or anything of that matter. ((Swapping bodily fluids… Just… No…)) And can be described as such (according to a site’s description, lol)
“…Arguably the hardest Asexual to be. You love and want love romantically and seek a prince or princess to live happily ever after with, at least for a time, but you get burned by their groinal needs, which you cannot relate to. Such asexuals have to compromise their orientation by sleeping with their partners, seek asexual partners, or suffer agonizing loneliness. Also Gay, Bi, or straight orientation can apply to you: it is who you fall for romantically rather get within them sexually though.”
I think it describes me pretty well, though. Truly.
I feel, when I think about myself, very… unattractive.
A terrible feeling of sadness comes across me, and I realize that I want companionship, want to have a friend that is there for me. Someone to ease my loneliness, but realize that it will probably never happen. No one will ever want me. No one will ever approach me in such a way. I will not have everlasting friends, and will, eventually, succumb to my lonely life….
And at the same time, I feel as though I deserve it. That I shouldn’t have happiness. I feel selfish for wanting someone in my life when I know I will probably never live up to what they want, what they need. That I could never satisfy someone in any way. I feel useless and unwanted.
Even as a child, teen, and young adult, I faced hatred, hazing, public humiliation, pain, both physical and mental, at the hands of so many, including my mother and those I thought were my closest friends. Even today, I still face many of these things, even though I am in my 6th year of college.
Even while I write of love in stories and poems, give others advice on/in their relationships during fights (I am able to see both sides of the argument between partners, therefore I am a useful tool in coming to a compromise that satisfies both parties needs/wants), I know that I will probably never experience anything like what others feel. Am I nothing more than a tool to be used by others and then discarded when I am no longer useful? Because that is how I feel sometimes…
I know I am not the only asexual/aromantic, and that other people probably have similar feels, or at least something close, but I still feel terribly alone, even though I may not seem like it. I find myself wondering in my down time, like today between classes, where my life is going, and if I can truly make it as I am.
I realize that no one will ever want me, at least not as I am. I feel pathetic, and stupid, and overly-sentimental…. but….
I know I am strong.
I know I am independent.
I know I am a good friend, loyal until the bitter end, no matter the cost.
But…. Am I good enough? Do I even deserve the happiness and love that other people seem to give so freely? Why can’t I just…. I don’t know… Love others the way I want to be loved? *sigh*
And what triggered this little rant was an engagement ring I saw posted and I thought that it was extremely beautiful, and then my mind supplied the little thought, “You will never receive anything like that because no one loves you, and you will never have a partner that would buy something like that for you, so forget it.” ….. Yeah. My mind is an asshole…
And I know this is depressing… and I don’t mean for it to be depressing, even though I really do because this is my train of thought, right now… but I don’t mean to bring you down with me… I just wanted to post this somewhere when no one really know me and I can be free to express myself. Because I am so well known on other social media, and I can’t even sear or do anything lest it reflects badly upon my work, or school, or whatever… So…. Yeah… That’s just what I’ve been thinking about the past hour. Because every now and then it hits me and I have so. many. feels. but am not sure what to do…… anyway… uh… thanks? for reading?
Too. Freaking. Adorable. Ugh.